English Spelling Mistake and their effects

TELEGRAM #1
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as:

"father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
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TELEGRAM #2
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here."

The message received by wife: "I wish you were her."
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TELEGRAM #3

A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband.

At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket.

Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as:

"Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."
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TELEGRAM #4

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says:

Let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".

The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "! You are getting better" at the bottom.

The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

"You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom".
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TELEGRAM #5
A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her parent's house in Delhi .

When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to send a telegram to his wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer.

He sent a telegram. When the wife received the telegram, she fainted.

It was written:

'Sethji aaj mar ! Gaye! (Sethji Ajmer gaye )

BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM

DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
------------ --------- --------- ----
NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.

For instruktions, see bottom applikason.
************ *
1. Last name:
(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)
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2. First name:
(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)
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3. Age:
(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)
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4. Sex: ____ (Laloo) _____ (Rabri)

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5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

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6.Occupason:

(_) Dacoit (_) Rapeist (_) Kidanapper (_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan
(_) House wife (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)

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7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

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8. Read #7 agan & anser here: ___

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9. Mather name: ____________ _________ __

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10. Phather Name: ____________ ________ (don't leave bank for guesh)

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11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 ............ .. (Circle highest grade completed)

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12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownish- ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other
-__________ Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)
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14. Ice seight:

(_) One Ice(2x1) (_) Two Ice(2x2) (_) Half blind (_) Day blind (_)
Night blind (_) 4/4 (_)6/6

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15.Your thumb imparesson :

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)

************ *
PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS

Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you don't have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.

NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.

WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS

Hospital Charts

These are actual writings from various hospital charts.

1.The patient refused an autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present
24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

A tribute to my father

My father was one of the most important people in my entire life. There was no one like him so I wanted to dedicate a memorial to him on this particular page. For those who have experienced loss, there isn't much you can do except remember the good times and carry that person's spirit in your heart. I hope all the net people can appreciate me doing this. I'm mainly putting this here for people who have lost a loved one, and also so I can remind myself of the goodness in this man

My father was an all-rounder, who excelled in almost everything he undertook.

I'd like to share a quote that my Dad used to always tell me "Be Good and Do Good"

I LOVE YOU DAD!
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Some people come into our lives and quickly go
Some people move our souls to dance
They awaken us to new understanding
With the passing whisper of their wisdom...

Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon
They stay in our lives for awhile,
leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never, ever the same again....
-------
Appa, I learnt a lot about life from you and you will continue to be our inspiration and guiding star in every single step we take. We really miss you!!!

Pope as Chaffeur

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President!"
The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

Flight Instructor

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"

The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts

Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,

"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,

"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"

"Results," shrugged Saint Peter....... ....

"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

A Mother's Sacrifice

My mom only had one eye. I hated her... she was such an embarrassment. My mom ran a small shop at a flea market. She collected little weeds and such to sell... anything for the money we needed she was such an embarrassment. There was this one day during elementary school.

I remember that it was field day, and my mom came. I was so embarrassed.

How could she do this to me? I threw her a hateful look and ran out. The next day at school..."Your mom only has one eye?!" and they taunted me.

I wished that my mom would just disappear from this world so I said to my mom, "Mom, why don't you have the other eye?! You're only going to make me a laughingstock. Why don't you just die?" My mom did not respond. I guess I felt a little bad, but at the same time, it felt good to think that I had said what I'd wanted to say all this time.

Maybe it was because my mom hadn't punished me, but I didn't think that I had hurt her feelings very badly.

That night...I woke up, and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. My mom was crying there, so quietly, as if she was afraid that she might wake me. I took a look at her, and then turned away.

Because of the thing I had said to her earlier, there was something pinching at me in the corner of my heart. Even so, I hated my mother who was crying out of her one eye. So I told myself that I would grow up and become successful, because I hated my one-eyed mom and our desperate poverty.

Then I studied really hard. I left my mother and came to Seoul and studied, and got accepted in the Seoul University with all the confidence I had. Then, I got married. I bought a house of my own. Then I had kids, too. Now I'm living happily as a successful man. I like it here because it's a place that doesn't remind me of my mom.

This happiness was getting bigger and bigger, when someone unexpected came to see me "What?! Who's this?!" ...It was my mother...Still with her one eye. It felt as if the whole sky was falling apart on me. My little girl ran away, scared of my mom's eye.

And I asked her, "Who are you? I don't know you!!!" as if I tried to make that real. I screamed at her "How dare you come to my house and scare my daughter! GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!" And to this, my mother quietly answered, "oh, I'm so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address," and she disappeared. Thank good ness... she doesn't recognize me. I was quite relieved. I told myself that I wasn't going to care, or think about this for the rest of my life.

Then a wave of relief came upon me...one day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house. I lied to my wife saying that I was going on a business trip. After the reunion, I went down to the old shack, that I used to call a house...just out of curiosity there, I found my mother fallen on the cold ground. But I did not shed a single tear. She had a piece of paper in her hand.... it was a letter to me.


She wrote:

My son...

I think my life has been long enough now. And... I won't visit Seoul anymore... but would it be too much to ask if I wanted you to come visit me once in a while? I miss you so much. And I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion. But I decided not to go to the school.... For you... I'm sorry that I only have one eye, and I was an embarrassment for you.

You see, when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye. As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you having to grow up with only one eye... so I gave you mine...I was so proud of my son that was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye. I was never upset at you for anything you did. The couple times that you were angry with me.

I thought to myself, 'it's because he loves me.' I miss the times when you were still young around me

I miss you so much. I love you. You mean the world to me.

My world shattered!!!

Then I cried for the person who lived for me... My Mother

Top 10 Scientists Killed or Injured by Their Experiments

1. Karl Scheele -- Died from tasting his discoveries


Scheele was a brilliant pharmaceutical chemist who discovered many chemical elements, including oxygen (though Joseph Priestley published his findings first), molybdenum, tungsten, manganese, and chlorine. Scheele had the habit of taste-testing his discoveries, and died of symptoms strongly resembling mercury poisoning.

2. Jean-Francois De Rozier -- First victim of an air crash


De Rozier was a teacher of physics and chemistry. He took the first manned free flight in a balloon, traveling at an altitude of 3,000 feet. Later, De Rozier planned a crossing of the English Channel from France to England, but after reaching 1,500 feet the balloon deflated, causing him to fall to his death.

3. Sir David Brewster -- Nearly blinded


Sir David was a Scottish inventor, scientist, and writer. He performed a chemical experiment in 1831, which nearly blinded him. While his vision did return, he was plagued with eye troubles until his death. Brewster is well known for having been the inventor of the kaleidoscope.

4. Elizabeth Ascheim -- Killed by X-Rays


Elizabeth Ascheim gave up her job as a bookkeeper to undertake studies in electrical science. Eventually she bought an x-ray machine, and she and her husband spent some years experimenting with it, using themselves as subjects. Unfortunately they did not realize the consequences of their lack of protection and Elizabeth died of an extremely widespread and violent cancer.

5. Alexander Bogdanov -- Killed himself with blood
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Bogdanov was a Russian physician, philosopher, economist, science fiction writer, and revolutionary. In 1924, he began experiments with blood transfusion upon himself, but he did not test the health of the blood he was using. In 1928, Bogdanov took a transfusion of blood infected with malaria and tuberculosis, and died shortly after.

6. Robert Bunsen -- Blinded himself in one eye


Robert Bunsen is probably best known for having given his name to the Bunsen burner, which he helped to popularize. He started out his scientific career in organic chemistry, and nearly died twice of arsenic poisoning. Shortly after that, he lost the sight in his right eye after an explosion of cacodyl cyanide.

7. Sir Humphrey Davy -- A catalog of disasters


Sir Humphrey Davy, a brilliant British chemist and inventor, was fired from his job at an apothecary because he caused too many explosions! When he eventually took up the field of chemistry, he had a habit of inhaling the various gasses he was dealing with. This bad habit led to his discovery of the anesthetic properties of nitrous oxide; it also led to him nearly killing himself on many occasions. The frequent poisonings left him an invalid for the remaining two decades of his life. During this time he also permanently damaged his eyes in a nitrogen trichloride explosion.

8. Michael Faraday -- Suffered chronic poisoning


Thanks to the injury to Sir Humphrey Davy's eyes, Faraday became an apprentice to him. He went on to improve on Davy's methods of electrolysis and to make important discoveries in the field of electromagnetics. But like Davy, Faraday also suffered damage to his eyes in a nitrogen chloride explosion. He spent the remainder of his life suffering chronic chemical poisoning.

9. Marie Curie -- Died of radiation exposure


In 1898, Curie and her husband, Pierre, discovered radium. She spent the remainder of her life performing radiation research and studying radiation therapy. Her constant exposure to radiation led to her contracting leukemia and she died in 1934.

10. Galileo Galilei -- Blinded himself


Galileo's work on the refinement of the telescope opened up the dark recesses of the universe for future generations, but also ruined his eyesight. He was fascinated with the sun and spent many hours staring at it, leading to extreme damage to his retinas. This was the most likely cause of his near blindness in the last four years of his life.

11. Louis Slotin -- Killed himself with an accidental fission reaction


Canadian born Slotin worked on the Manhattan project, helping to design the first nuclear bomb. In the process of his experimentation he accidentally dropped a sphere of beryllium on to a second sphere, causing a prompt critical reaction (the spheres were wrapped around a plutonium core). Other scientists in the room witnessed a "blue glow" of air ionization and felt a "heat wave." Slotin was rushed to hospital and died nine days later. The amount of radiation he was exposed to was equivalent to standing 4,800 feet away from an atomic bomb explosion.

Source : http://listverse.com/science/top-10-scientists-killed-or-injured-by-their-experiments/

My Comments :

Life's too short to dwell on things
that pull and tear on your heart strings
so park those thoughts that make you worry
and create new goals to which you'll hurry.

Make your list of things to do
that always seemed not part of you
make yourself explore unknowns
write down your thoughts dig up those bones

Take a step toward things that scare you
Show who's boss while mind prepares to
overcome what seems unrealistic
before you lose it and go ballistic

Do something different every day
and watch as life shows new path ways
Life's too short to dwell on things
that pull and tear on your heart strings

WHAT HAPPENS IN HEAVEN

I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, “This Is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are Received.” I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.

Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section. The angel then said to me, “This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them.” I noticed again, how busy it was. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. “This is the Acknowledgment Section”, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed. “How is it that there is no work going on here?” I asked. ”So sad,” the angel sighed. “After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.”

“How does one acknowledge God’s blessings?” I asked. “Simple,” the angel answered. Just say, “Thank you, Lord.”
“What blessings should they acknowledge?” I asked. “If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy. And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity.”

“Also, if you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day. If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 700 million people in the world. If you can attend a church/temple/mosque without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world.”

“If your parents are still alive and still married, you are very rare. If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you’re unique to all those in doubt and despair.”

Ok, what now? How can I start?

“If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

Have a good year ahead, count your blessings, and if you want, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.

ATTN:
Acknowledge Dept.: “Thank you Lord, for giving me the ability to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people to share it with.”

One Liners

Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home& devil
in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home& economist in Bed.

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter

There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may
never piss this way again."

Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

Pilot asking permission to land said, "Guess who?"
Controller switches the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

Santa

Santa for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' .

He replaced friend with father in the essay and it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS,

SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .
Interviewer: what s ur qualification?
Santa : Sir I am Ph.d.

Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Santa : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.. ..
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .
Prince Charles & Santa were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".

Santa thinks "how poetic"
Santa says, "pass the custard you bastard".
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .
Preeto was about to give birth to a baby.

Santa: If it looks like you, it would be great.

Preeto : If it looks like you, it would be a miracle

Would you walk on this ?

Glass Bridge will be suspended 4,000 feet above the Colorado River on the very edge of the Grand Canyon .

On May 2005, the final test was conducted and the structure passed engineering requirements by 400 percent, enabling it to withstand the weight of 71 fully loaded Boeing 747 airplanes (more that 71 million pounds).

The bridge will be able to sustain winds in excess of 100 miles per hour from 8 different directions, as well as an 8.0 magnitude earthquake within 50 miles.

More than one million pounds of steel will go into the construction of the Grand Canyon SkyWalk.

A red rose

A man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother who lived two hundred miles away.

As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing. He asked her what was wrong and she replied, "I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother. But I only have seventy-five cents, and a rose costs two dollars."

The man smiled and said, "Come on in with me. I'll buy you a rose." He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother's flowers.

As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home. She said, "Yes, please! You can take me to my mother." She directed him to a cemetery, where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave.

The man returned to the flower shop, canceled the wire order, picked up a bouquet and drove the two hundred miles to his mother's house.



Moral: Don't Send Artificial Loves to your parents. Give them the respect and courtesy they desire. They are your most precious Treasure, Care for them. God Forbid, if they leave this world then one can do nothing but regret.

Some Khans - Pathan names born in different situations:

Born in Jungle ..........Sher Khan

Born in summer ------- Sharbat Khan

Born during war ------- Barood Khan

Born near ocean ------- Samunder Khan

Born with abnormal features ------- Ajab Khan

Born premature ------- Masti Khan

Born near garden ------- Gul Khan

Born in anger ------- Ghazab Khan

Born in horror ------- Haibat Khan

Born funny ------- Nadia Khan

Born After Suicide Bom ------- Bhadur Khan

Born with talent but no brain ------- Shahid Khan Afridi

Born with Proud of Pakistan---- ---- Abdul Qadir Khan

Born in Pervaiz Musharaf Government ------ Bardasht Khan

Mother's Love - Do we need more words!!!!

Simple yet powerful!

If God is great,

Mother is the greatest

SOME LOGICIAL THOUGHTS and STATEMENTS

1) Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
2) To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
3) The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
4) Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
5) In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you dont really need one
6) All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
7) Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
8) Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
9) If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
10)You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
11)Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
12)42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.
13)As soon as you mention something?? If it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.
14)He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
15)If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? The bus is still late.
16)Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
17)When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
18)If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.
19)Especially for engg. Students : If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
20)You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
21)The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
22)After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
23)If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
24)Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker
25)Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.
26)There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
27)An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
28)Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
29)Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
30)When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
31)Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
32)Well done is better than well said .
33)Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
34)Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS.
35)Where there is MONEY, there are many FRIENDS and RELATIVES.
36)Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Relationship with God

A man was strolling along the beach one day when he spotted a bottle washed up on the shore. He went over and picked it up, and noticed a message in the bottle. He popped the cork out and inside was a weathered treasure map indicating that there was buried treasure to be found in the shallow waters below. But the man thought it was a hoax, so he slipped the map back in and threw the bottle back into the ocean...

A little later, another man was walking along the beach and the bottle had washed upon the shore. He too picked up the bottle, popped out the cork, and found the treasure map.

This man, however, was curious enough to wade into the water and hoped it was buried shallow enough to find. But once the cold ocean waters reached up to his thighs, he decided to quit. "This is not worth it!" he thought to himself. So he scrambled back to shore and chucked the bottle back into the ocean....

A third man was walking by the beach and noticed the bottle washed upon the shore. He went over, opened the bottle and found the map. The map looked authentic enough, and promised great treasure... So he got himself a small raft and set out into the ocean to claim the treasure..he rowed out far enough into the ocean where the "X" on the map was and to his surprise, he saw the glint of something shining in the waters below..he dove into the ocean and swam towards the shining object below..

he could see that there was something that looked like a treasure chest, but he couldn't quite reach it and the deeper he went, the greater the cold and pressure on his body and his mind..," I am about to lose my breath, and the longer i take, my raft might be swept away!", he thought. So the man decided to give up the hunt so he would ensure his own life and safety..when he reached the shore once more, he took the bottle from the raft and tossed it back into the ocean...

Finally, one more man was walking along the beach. He noticed the bottle, went over, popped it open, and was excited to find a map promising great treasure. He noticed someone had left a raft by the water's edge, so he took it and paddled out. He too, got far enough to where the "X" marks the spot, and squinted into the waters and saw the shadow and glint of the treasure below.

He took a deep breath and plunged into the waters. Like the man before him, the cold, darkness and pressure upon his senses increased as he got closer. He also realized that if he kept swimming, that he might lose his breath, the raft, and even his own life! But this treasure could be worth all the risk and he persisted. Just as he was about to give up, he grabbed the long chain that was binding the chest and pulled it up along with himself back to the surface.

He broke the surface of the water gasping and exhausted but with the treasure chest safely in his grasp. He paddled back to the shore, opened up the treasure chest and found what the map had promised--gold, and precious diamonds and jewels that would make him secure for the rest of his life.


************

A relationship with God is a similar treasure hunt. People hear the same message, but the way they receive it will determine the reward they might find. Eternal life is waiting for all those who are willing to take that risk to follow God all the way of life, where we find love, forgiveness and life everlasting. ... for eternity.

Sisters of St.Francis

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

BROTHEL AND ESCORT AGENCY

10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon, he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

BROTHEL AND ESCORT AGENCY

5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.

Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

ESCORT AGENCY

<< NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a Small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

"What may we do for you, my son"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door, smiles, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup.

This nun instructs,

"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall , smiling and then slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED

BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

SERVES YOU RIGHT!

Dog's Life

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he saw a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices he has a note in his mouth.

He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb,please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well".

The butcher looks inside and, behold, a ten dollar note. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button.

Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.

The butcher, by now, open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery.

Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house.

He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door.

He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and again, it throws himself against it.

There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!" to which the guy responds:

"You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."

----Moral of the story----

You may continue to exceed onlookers' expectations but shall always fall short of the boss's expectations! ! It's dog's life after all......... *