Barber Shop!!!!!!!!!!!!

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2
hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill,
do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't
ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,

"Your house!"

LEAVE LETTERS

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India ...

1. Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore:
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'...As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

The Best Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.

While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer,
who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles.

He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Eager to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could"

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Paul interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied , "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks
---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

Stress Reliever # 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see! how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

Stress Reliever # 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

Stress Reliever # 6
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card!"
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."


Stress Reliever # 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

Stress Reliever # 8
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."



Stress Reliever # 9
Doctor to his lady patient: "You look terribly weak and exhausted!
Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?"
Lady replied: "Doctor, I thought you said three males a day."

Stress Reliever # 10
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

Stress Reliever # 11
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

Stress Reliever # 12
A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, if I can find a phone."

Stress Reliever # 13
Man to wife on wedding night: "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?"
Wife replied: "Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!"

Stress Reliever # 14
"Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S.?"
Answer: "Because people started licking the wrong side."


Stress Reliever # 15
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me? my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
"I like your sense of humour."

Airlines

Here are some examples of airline attendants that told in the in-flight safety lecture (They are real)

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom,

"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

Clever Business Signs

Some Very Clever Business Signs

1) At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

2) In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

3) In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

4) On a Plumber's Shop: "We repair what your husband fixed."

5) On the trucks of a Plumbing Company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call us."

6) Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

7) At a Tire Shop: "Invite us to your next blowout."

8) On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

9) At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

10) On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

11) In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out."

12) On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

13) On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

14) At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

15) Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

16) At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be de-Lighted."

17) In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Please drive carefully. We'll wait."

Office Phrases - new definitions. [ office humor ]

Commonly Used Phrases at the Office and... What they really mean!
*******
1. For your information, please. (FYI)

Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

*******
2. Noted and returned.

Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.

*******
3. Review and comment.

Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.

*******
4. Action please.

Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

*******
5. For your necessary action.

Meaning: It's your headache now.

*******
6. Copy to.

Meaning: Here's a share of my headache.

*******
7. For your approval, please.

Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.

*******
8. Action is being taken.

Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.

*******
9. Your letter is receiving our attention.

Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want.

*******
10. Please discuss.

Meaning: I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.

*******
11. For your immediate action.

Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.

*******
12. Please reply soon.

Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.

*******
13. We are investigating/ processing your request with the relevant authorities.

Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us.
*******
14. Regards.

Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.

Zulus Again

I was in a Boeing 747 plane that took off from South Africa’s Johannesburg international airport en-route New York.

Also on board this plane were a black South African man and his little kid.

After about 4 hours into the journey, the pilot announced that the plane was over-loaded and losing height and there was the need to reduce the weight.

So, all the bags and baggage were off loaded.

After another 30 minutes, when the situation didn’t improve, the pilot announced that some people needed to be thrown out of the plane but this will be done in alphabetical order.

Hence he started thus:

“A Africans on board” No response.

“B Blacks on board” No response.

“C Coloured people on board” No response.

“D Dark skin people on board” No response.

Suddenly, the South African kid asked his father,

“Dad, aren’t we any of those”

The father replied,

“Shut up son, we are Zulus today.”

Never Argue with kids

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
========
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
=============
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother."I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
================
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
=============
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture." Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael. He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
============
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.""Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?"A little fellow shouted, "Because your feet aren't empty."
==============
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all You want. God is watching the apples!"
===============
A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !"Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"

Your Daughter is Pregnant

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"


The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Are not you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they had show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

Its all about wives

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

************
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

************
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

************
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied, "In the lake."

************
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

************
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

************
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.

So I got myself two girlfriends.

************
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

************
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

************
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."

************ *
It's not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.

************ *
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

************ *
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

************ **
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

************ **

Hire & Fire Techniques practiced by some big SW gaints

Hire a lion... Ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.
Give him Gobi 65 to eat again and again.
Hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit
Give them same Gobi 65 to eat
Hire 200 more....... And more .......

Hire a lion
Give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary lion dies of hunger and frustration

Hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour... He dies of unemployment. ..

Hire a Cat ...
Assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and make sure that he never reaches onsite.
Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion....

Hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score 60% he will lose the job.

Lion dies of strain?

Hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send him in African safari for implementing flexcube in god forbidden territories, tell him if he comes alive he will get band movement (promotion) holy cow dies in fear of the real lion.

Hire ..sorry....purchase a lion(COSL) ..
Change his timings...(instead of 9 AM ...change it to 8:30 AM)
Cut down his allowance (coupons etc)
Lion dies from fear of becoming CAT.....

Hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...
The lion dies before joining....

Hire a Lion,
Give him a mail Id.
He will die receiving stupid mails all day........! ! !!!

*Hire a lion.... **
Send him to chennai
Ask him to stay on bench for a long time
Ask him to eat idli,Dosa and Vada
No Hindi, kannada or no other languages speaking ppl other than TAMIL...
No good food, No water..and specially No Beautiful girls
And say him "Go Ahead be a Tiger".
Lion dies in confusion he is Tiger or lion......

DIFFERENT MATHEMATICS

WHILE ROMANCING

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
____________ _________ _________
IN OFFICE

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
___________ _________ ________
WHILE SHOPPING

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
____________ _________ ________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
____________ _________ ________
HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
____________ _________ _________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
____________ _________ _________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
___________ _________ ________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUES
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
____________ _________ ________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Little Johny

Little Johny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.

Little Johny was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Johny, of course, thought he did.

Johny's mother wanted Johny to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

Go to your room, Johny, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.

Little Johny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
************ **
Letter 1
Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.

Your friend,
Johny
************ **
Johny knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
So he tore up the letter and started over.
************ **
Letter 2

Dear God,

This is your friend Johny. I have been a good boy this year and I would like
A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.

Your friend,
Johny
*********** **
Johny knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
************ **
Letter 3

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Johny
************ **
Johny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Johny wrote a fourth letter.
************ **
Letter 4

God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.

I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.

Please! Thank you,

Johny
************ **
Johny knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Johny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.

Johny's mother thought her plan had worked, as Johny looked very sad.

Just be home in time for dinner, Johny's mother told him.

Johny walked down the street to the church on the corner.

Little Johny went into the church and up to the altar.

He looked around to see if anyone was there.

Johny bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary.

He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Johny began to write his letter to God.
************ **
Letter 5

God,

I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!

Interesting Equation

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy

If, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work

In other words,

Human that don't know enjoy = pigs that work
************
Men = eat + sleep + earn money

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money

If Men - earn money = Pigs

In other words,

Men that don't earn money = Pigs
************
Women = eat + sleep + spend

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Women = Pigs + spend

If, Women - spend = Pigs

In other words,

Women that don't spend = Pigs
************
Summary:
Men earn money not to let women become pigs!

Women spend not to let men become pigs!

Men + Women = 2 Pigs

School Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Punjab Airways

P'njaab Airways : IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT

Gud marning, Ladies and Gen'lemen. P'rajee aur Behnjee. Sat Sri Akal.

On behalf of Captaan Balbir Singh 'Bobby', this is your Flight Supervisor Banta Singh "Bunty" welcoming to you on the P'njaab Airways flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana.

We apalogize for the two-day delay in taking off, b'cause the sun was not shining brightly in the fog. And we are knowing the sun does not shine in the night.

Landing in Ludhiana is not dafinite, but with good luck we can be landing d'rectly in your v'llage.

P'njaab Airways has exc'llant record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the fully trained tarrists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us.

I am pleased to 'nounce that starting this year over 90% of our p'ssaingers have reached to their dest'nation.

For the rest 10%, the P'njaab Airways staff has lots of experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be haippy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.

If engines are too noisy, on p'ssainger request, we can turn them off for comfart, but your flight will become late and you may become the late also.

For our religious p'ssaingers, we are the only airline who can help you to contact God at once. In case of sudden loss of cabin pressure, Holy Books will be quickly distributed.

We regret that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we could not record it from the tallyvision due to power cut.

But we will be flying right naxt to Air India, where their movie can be seen from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been opened

For your viewing convenience. For p'ssaingers on left side, we have put binoculars under the seat.

If AirIndia flight is again cancelled, then for your in-flight ent'tainment. Our hostesses Bubbly Kaur & Cuckoo Kaur will do the Bhangra with flight stewards Pappu and Tappu. Oye, Balle Balle!!

Your in-flight Menu has a choice of Chicken Tikka Masala, Tandoori Fish, Dal makhani, unlimited P'ronthas and Lassi.

There is a half charge for Red Label Whiskey served from Black Label bottles. Patiala pegs will be served only on Patiala flights.

As per safety rules, smoking is not allowed on all P'njaab Airways flights over P'njaab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines.

Please do read the 'structions on the Safety Card in seat pocket in your front side. It is not a hand fan.

The P'ssainger behind you must read the card in your backside.

Life jackets are placed under your seats for emergency water landings on any of our 5 rivers. Do not use life jackets on the land.

Kindly keep your seat in upright position for take-off & landing. Also do not use force. Broken seats will not be replaced and you will be tied to the floor during take off and landing.

Please be seated first and then fasten your seatbelts. Do not call for steward or airhostess for a glass of water when plane is taking off.

We are about to take-off. We wish you a pleasant flight. For air sikness problems we have echo friendly jute bags in the sit pokets

Thank you once again for flying with P'njaab Airways

Some Deep Thoughts

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to a mosque doesn't make you a Muslim any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel faster through the mail than checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Sardar Jokes

Sardar ji says I love u to his girl friend and suddenly falls on the floor.

Girl Friend: What is this?

Sardarji: O ji, I'm falling in love!
............ ......... ......... ......... .........
Sardar was writing something very slowly.

Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?

Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast

English Spelling Mistake and their effects

TELEGRAM #1
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as:

"father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
************ ***
TELEGRAM #2
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here."

The message received by wife: "I wish you were her."
************ ***
TELEGRAM #3

A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband.

At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket.

Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as:

"Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."
************ ***
TELEGRAM #4

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says:

Let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".

The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "! You are getting better" at the bottom.

The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

"You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom".
************ ***
TELEGRAM #5
A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her parent's house in Delhi .

When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to send a telegram to his wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer.

He sent a telegram. When the wife received the telegram, she fainted.

It was written:

'Sethji aaj mar ! Gaye! (Sethji Ajmer gaye )