1) Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
2) To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
3) The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
4) Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
5) In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you dont really need one
6) All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
7) Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
8) Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
9) If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
10)You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
11)Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
12)42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.
13)As soon as you mention something?? If it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.
14)He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
15)If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? The bus is still late.
16)Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
17)When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
18)If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.
19)Especially for engg. Students : If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
20)You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
21)The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
22)After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
23)If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
24)Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker
25)Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.
26)There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
27)An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
28)Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
29)Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
30)When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
31)Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
32)Well done is better than well said .
33)Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
34)Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS.
35)Where there is MONEY, there are many FRIENDS and RELATIVES.
36)Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Relationship with God
A man was strolling along the beach one day when he spotted a bottle washed up on the shore. He went over and picked it up, and noticed a message in the bottle. He popped the cork out and inside was a weathered treasure map indicating that there was buried treasure to be found in the shallow waters below. But the man thought it was a hoax, so he slipped the map back in and threw the bottle back into the ocean...
A little later, another man was walking along the beach and the bottle had washed upon the shore. He too picked up the bottle, popped out the cork, and found the treasure map.
This man, however, was curious enough to wade into the water and hoped it was buried shallow enough to find. But once the cold ocean waters reached up to his thighs, he decided to quit. "This is not worth it!" he thought to himself. So he scrambled back to shore and chucked the bottle back into the ocean....
A third man was walking by the beach and noticed the bottle washed upon the shore. He went over, opened the bottle and found the map. The map looked authentic enough, and promised great treasure... So he got himself a small raft and set out into the ocean to claim the treasure..he rowed out far enough into the ocean where the "X" on the map was and to his surprise, he saw the glint of something shining in the waters below..he dove into the ocean and swam towards the shining object below..
he could see that there was something that looked like a treasure chest, but he couldn't quite reach it and the deeper he went, the greater the cold and pressure on his body and his mind..," I am about to lose my breath, and the longer i take, my raft might be swept away!", he thought. So the man decided to give up the hunt so he would ensure his own life and safety..when he reached the shore once more, he took the bottle from the raft and tossed it back into the ocean...
Finally, one more man was walking along the beach. He noticed the bottle, went over, popped it open, and was excited to find a map promising great treasure. He noticed someone had left a raft by the water's edge, so he took it and paddled out. He too, got far enough to where the "X" marks the spot, and squinted into the waters and saw the shadow and glint of the treasure below.
He took a deep breath and plunged into the waters. Like the man before him, the cold, darkness and pressure upon his senses increased as he got closer. He also realized that if he kept swimming, that he might lose his breath, the raft, and even his own life! But this treasure could be worth all the risk and he persisted. Just as he was about to give up, he grabbed the long chain that was binding the chest and pulled it up along with himself back to the surface.
He broke the surface of the water gasping and exhausted but with the treasure chest safely in his grasp. He paddled back to the shore, opened up the treasure chest and found what the map had promised--gold, and precious diamonds and jewels that would make him secure for the rest of his life.
************
A relationship with God is a similar treasure hunt. People hear the same message, but the way they receive it will determine the reward they might find. Eternal life is waiting for all those who are willing to take that risk to follow God all the way of life, where we find love, forgiveness and life everlasting. ... for eternity.
A little later, another man was walking along the beach and the bottle had washed upon the shore. He too picked up the bottle, popped out the cork, and found the treasure map.
This man, however, was curious enough to wade into the water and hoped it was buried shallow enough to find. But once the cold ocean waters reached up to his thighs, he decided to quit. "This is not worth it!" he thought to himself. So he scrambled back to shore and chucked the bottle back into the ocean....
A third man was walking by the beach and noticed the bottle washed upon the shore. He went over, opened the bottle and found the map. The map looked authentic enough, and promised great treasure... So he got himself a small raft and set out into the ocean to claim the treasure..he rowed out far enough into the ocean where the "X" on the map was and to his surprise, he saw the glint of something shining in the waters below..he dove into the ocean and swam towards the shining object below..
he could see that there was something that looked like a treasure chest, but he couldn't quite reach it and the deeper he went, the greater the cold and pressure on his body and his mind..," I am about to lose my breath, and the longer i take, my raft might be swept away!", he thought. So the man decided to give up the hunt so he would ensure his own life and safety..when he reached the shore once more, he took the bottle from the raft and tossed it back into the ocean...
Finally, one more man was walking along the beach. He noticed the bottle, went over, popped it open, and was excited to find a map promising great treasure. He noticed someone had left a raft by the water's edge, so he took it and paddled out. He too, got far enough to where the "X" marks the spot, and squinted into the waters and saw the shadow and glint of the treasure below.
He took a deep breath and plunged into the waters. Like the man before him, the cold, darkness and pressure upon his senses increased as he got closer. He also realized that if he kept swimming, that he might lose his breath, the raft, and even his own life! But this treasure could be worth all the risk and he persisted. Just as he was about to give up, he grabbed the long chain that was binding the chest and pulled it up along with himself back to the surface.
He broke the surface of the water gasping and exhausted but with the treasure chest safely in his grasp. He paddled back to the shore, opened up the treasure chest and found what the map had promised--gold, and precious diamonds and jewels that would make him secure for the rest of his life.
************
A relationship with God is a similar treasure hunt. People hear the same message, but the way they receive it will determine the reward they might find. Eternal life is waiting for all those who are willing to take that risk to follow God all the way of life, where we find love, forgiveness and life everlasting. ... for eternity.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Sisters of St.Francis
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
BROTHEL AND ESCORT AGENCY
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
BROTHEL AND ESCORT AGENCY
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.
Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
ESCORT AGENCY
<< NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a Small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, smiles, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs,
"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall , smiling and then slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
SERVES YOU RIGHT!
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
BROTHEL AND ESCORT AGENCY
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
BROTHEL AND ESCORT AGENCY
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.
Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
ESCORT AGENCY
<< NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a Small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, smiles, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs,
"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall , smiling and then slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
SERVES YOU RIGHT!
Monday, August 4, 2008
Dog's Life
A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he saw a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices he has a note in his mouth.
He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb,please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well".
The butcher looks inside and, behold, a ten dollar note. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button.
Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.
The butcher, by now, open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery.
Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.
Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house.
He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door.
He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and again, it throws himself against it.
There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.
The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!" to which the guy responds:
"You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."
----Moral of the story----
You may continue to exceed onlookers' expectations but shall always fall short of the boss's expectations! ! It's dog's life after all......... *
He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb,please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well".
The butcher looks inside and, behold, a ten dollar note. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button.
Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.
The butcher, by now, open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery.
Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.
Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house.
He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door.
He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and again, it throws himself against it.
There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.
The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!" to which the guy responds:
"You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."
----Moral of the story----
You may continue to exceed onlookers' expectations but shall always fall short of the boss's expectations! ! It's dog's life after all......... *
Thursday, July 31, 2008
A frog can’t empty its stomach by vomiting.
• A rat can go without water longer than a camel can.
• The lung fish can live out of water for three years in a state of suspended animation.
• The bark of an older red wood tree is fire proof.
• The average American consumes nine pounds of food additives every year.
• 7000 new insects species are discovered every year.
• The average human body contains enough fat to make seven bars of soap
• Barbie’s fill name is babra Millicent Roberts.
• Tug of war an Olympic event between 1900 and 1920.
• Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like its kissing the conveyor belt.
• An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
• The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
• Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
• If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without beingable to make change for a dollar.
• The only two days of the year in which there are no professionalsports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the dayafter the Major League All-Star Game.
• If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
• The fingerprints of Koala Bears are virtually indistinguishablefrom those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crimescene.
• The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in everyfive must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstripsin times of war or other emergencies.
• Pearls melt in vinegar
More @ http://eamazings.com/index.php/knowledge-base/
• A rat can go without water longer than a camel can.
• The lung fish can live out of water for three years in a state of suspended animation.
• The bark of an older red wood tree is fire proof.
• The average American consumes nine pounds of food additives every year.
• 7000 new insects species are discovered every year.
• The average human body contains enough fat to make seven bars of soap
• Barbie’s fill name is babra Millicent Roberts.
• Tug of war an Olympic event between 1900 and 1920.
• Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like its kissing the conveyor belt.
• An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
• The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
• Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
• If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without beingable to make change for a dollar.
• The only two days of the year in which there are no professionalsports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the dayafter the Major League All-Star Game.
• If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
• The fingerprints of Koala Bears are virtually indistinguishablefrom those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crimescene.
• The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in everyfive must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstripsin times of war or other emergencies.
• Pearls melt in vinegar
More @ http://eamazings.com/index.php/knowledge-base/
New Corporate Policies
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names being with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door open.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!!!
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names being with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door open.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!!!
Searching ME
The boss of a big company who needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."
"Is your daddy home" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME"
"Is your daddy home" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME"
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